LEVI MILLS

Photo

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 17:02:36 -0600

Sun, 07 Mar 2010 22:27:00 -0600

Q: Anyone else notice how society has gone to Hell since left-handed people have been allowed to use their left hands?

————-I’m worried that if we keep letting left-handed people use their left hand, it will threaten the sanctity of my right-handed activities.

—————————Masturbation won’t mean what it used to. The family unit will fall apart!

Elroy Hirsch Ran Funny

Thu, 04 Mar 2010 11:19:00 -0600

Date: April 24th, 51 days

Current Shape: lackluster

Goal: Split the difference between 25 and 40. 32:30.

Possible?

Increditastical

Wed, 03 Mar 2010 19:49:00 -0600

Video

Tue, 02 Mar 2010 19:44:42 -0600

Vacation Home

Tue, 02 Mar 2010 04:33:55 -0600

Vacation Home

Critical Analysis

Mon, 01 Mar 2010 17:04:00 -0600

Critical Analysis

Letters of Note

Sun, 28 Feb 2010 02:28:51 -0600

Letters of Note

Photo

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 21:57:03 -0600

Pretend I'm Don Draper

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 17:22:00 -0600

but keep your pants on. Excerpt from a “write an ad pitch” assignment (concerning ASICS shoes) and a complete cop out to blogging original content:

……My cell phone is clean, polished, and trendy. Just like my body wash, my laptop, my four-door sedan, my razor, my overpriced suit, and every other piece of my monotonous day-to-day life…….

………Running is raw. Running is pure emotional release. Running doesn’t happen in a pair of thigh hugging polyester leggings against a monochromatic backdrop. Running happens on the coarse, abrasive streets of empty cities. Running happens on moist spring grass, through fresh puddles, and over yesterday’s lawn clippings. It’s rough around the edges, every shade of grey, and delivers the most natural, freeing feeling the world has to offer. You’re not offering a means to capture these feeling and experiences with these shoes. You’re reminding them that it’s out there – that the stresses of their daily lives can be thrown aside in an instant – and that you want to be a part of that.

The One Where I Complain

Tue, 23 Feb 2010 10:14:05 -0600

I’m tired and these library Nazis won’t serve me coffee until 10. And when they do, I’ll get a 16oz (because I’m a man) and it will be way too hot to drink. When I set it aside it’ll betray me, defy the laws of physics, and blow all of its hot load into the library air at once. There’s no point in which the coffee is just right. That little blond would have been mighty disappointed in her porridge choices had that shit gone down here. In all seriousness, she’d probably get mauled by that family of bears either way, but her tongue would have been burnt something fierce in the process.

My left calf is sore. It cramped up in the morning a couple days ago. Bascom Hill says this is significant.

I have a Stats test on Thursday and a paper due Friday. My desire to do things other than sleep will out weigh my need for sleep during the weekend. I will inevitably snap at people I like and throw objects I’d rather not throw. Though, with my new found talent in finger snapping, I shouldn’t ignore the opportunity to snap at objects and throw people.

At the end of the semester I will not understand the Sociological Theory notes I recorded an hour ago. I don’t even understand some of them now. For example, I don’t know why I wrote “He knows, asshole” in the left margin halfway down the page. And somewhere between all of the nodding off I decided that “Bourgeoisie” was much too difficult to spell and that I should just go ahead and write “The Beatles” in its place. I also recorded a lovely little poem of sorts at the top:

Charlie was a brilliant squirrel

wealthy, noble, full of guts

then he met a pretty girl

and poor Charlie lost his nuts

The first early release of an American Ghetto song. The 30...

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 19:53:01 -0600

The first early release of an American Ghetto song. The 30 second Amazon previews had me worried, but this is acceptably bad-ass.

Week in Tweets (1)

Fri, 19 Feb 2010 08:53:08 -0600

My lower back is the kid in the front of the class who can’t stop bitching and asking questions. You’re holding us back, buddy.

or….you’re not holding us, back buddy. huh.

Decision of the day on a ridiculously busy day: Do I strip down to my underwear and run down State Street at 5 o’clock?

drugmonkey Nation’s 5 largest insurers made $12.2 billion dollars in 2009, up 56% from last year, while dropping coverage on 2.7 million people.

#AmericanGhetto out on March 2nd BTW.

French Toast in full effect. Time to study/tell myself to start studying (Good morning)

@fifiraye If you found my coat anywhere near your bed, I have good news - you can keep the coat.

oh. @portugaltheman was on chatroulette last night. John Gourley could have watched me eat Chicken Alfredo. #missedopportunities

watching Brenna Gasper eat ice cream. Who’s creepy now, @brenn_lynn?

sarah mclachlan is such a downer. “Oh hey guys, looks like you’re having a good time. CHECK OUT THIS MUTILATED KITTEN”

I would rather have a cold shower than a luke warm one. That was such a tease. #notasexualmetaphor

Trying to casually stick my toungue to catch snowflakes. Probably not working.

@fifiraye I always add a little oatmeal to my bowls of brown sugar

I had nothing but ‘walk’ signals to AND from class. That’ll probably be the first sign of the second coming of Christ

#autobiographyplottwist

No, phone, you’re not fully charged after 5 minutes. Off to marketing group meeting.

@fifiraye Come to the lib and order pizza. I’ll give you money and you won’t have to dance on any tables. But really, come to the library

@fifiraye And really, no tables.

This spoon’s dip is too deep. It’s probably making me and my cup of library pudding look ridiculous.

Audio

Thu, 18 Feb 2010 09:50:31 -0600

1938 Dating Guide For Single Women

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 12:13:50 -0600

1938 Dating Guide For Single Women

Game Plan

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 03:41:00 -0600

I saw this:

Then I saw this:

No, that would be creepy. If we enhance that second image, I think the cause of such a foolish suggestion will become clear:

Let’s draw up an elaborate web of lies, deception, and sprinkle in a little obsessive planning instead - like any self respecting man should. This advice is coming a bit late so it will have to be executed during your next hot girl lecture, or HGL.

Step 1: I hope you’ve noted where Hot Girl was sitting during HGL and if she sits there consistently. If she’s a shifty seat swapper, I don’t have a plan for you that doesn’t involve rope and industrial grade duct tape. Assuming she sits in the same spot, arrive 10 minutes before class starts and sit in the same area.

Step 2: You wait. This could take days, maybe even weeks. You have to wait until she happens to sit an appropriate distance away from you. This distance can vary widely depending on the seating of surrounding students, but it should probably be somewhere between 1 and 4 seats. If she sits on your lap, ignore all further steps. She is a prostitute. Congratulations. You can facilitate closeness by choosing the 3rd or 4th seat in the row. Naturally, most people won’t try to squeeze around you so she’ll probably opt for a seat at the end of the row. It’s very important that she’s in your row, though. If she’s in front of you and you approach her from behind, as a woman she will instinctively assume your intentions involve rape and/or strangulation.

Step 3: OK, so she’s next to you. Be cool. Take notes, even if you don’t usually take notes. Text a friend and tell them to send you texts every 5 minutes or so. Nothing says “I’m really fucking awesome” like a vibrating phone. Only answer a few of the texts, look slightly annoyed with the rest.

Step 4: At the end of class, or during the unofficial ‘everyone make shuffling noises and pack up at once’ time, lean over and ask her which color combination would look worse…

“…A pink tie on a yellow shirt, or a red tie on a maroon shirt?”

She answers and or asks why.

“Oh, haha, I kind of have a date with a girl I’m not at all interested in, this Friday. I didn’t have the heart to say no and I just think it would be easier if I was as undesirable as possible”

She thinks it’s funny and sweet, tells you the clashing red and maroon would be “just awful”, and wishes you luck on your big date.

“Thank you. Just needed a girl’s perspective. Matt, by the way”

Now, don’t look at her as if you’re expecting her to tell you her name. She will, but you don’t want it to look like that was your intention. In fact, you don’t want her to think you give a shit at all. What you’ve done is established yourself as a desirable, thoughtful, funny guy who just might not be interested in Hot Girl - making Hot Girl moderately interested in you.

Step 5: Continue sitting in the same spot, but ignore her for a week. If she talks to you in that time, skip to Step 7.

Step 6: It’s a new week and your imaginary date with an imaginary girl went imaginably bad. Give her the entire class period to ask about how it went. If she doesn’t, tell her it went terribly and that imaginary psycho girl’s sent 5 unanswered texts within the hour. Laugh it off, but make a small layer of pitying compassion visible with an “aw, I just don’t know what to tell the poor girl”

Step 7: Begin striking up conversation about the professor’s inadequacy or especially difficult material, after class. Utilize a healthy balance of dominant eye contact and distant, uninterested staring to play with her feeble girl emotions.

Step 8: Ask her if she wants to study for an upcoming exam with you. Study before the studying. Be super impressive. Use the latter half of study time to subtly mention your interests and hobbies, then ask her about hers. Use a combination of the eye contact and distant staring techniques to focus on the upcoming NCAA tournament while appearing to have genuine interest in her interests and hobbies.

Step 9: Continue study dates. Remove more study and add more date every time. This is as simple as having your friend call you about an “impromptu sledding party” and inviting her, or buying her a bagel at the library. Get her number. She’s probably already given it to you. You’re probably Facebook friends too.

Step 10: Invite her to actual, night time parties. Don’t go with her at first - have her meet you there. Being the only one she knows there, she’s sure to stay in your company. Don’t make any advances, exercise patience.

Step 11: I’m tired. Make moves. Start dating casually. After months of emotional coldness, tell her how much she means to you. Continue dating her throughout college. Graduate. Be there to support her in her career search and the rough patches when the job starts. Ask her to marry you on a boat on Lake Mendota during a surprise fireworks display. Rock the boat. Use her baby receptacle to make yourself a few awesome little people to play with. Get rich. Die happy.

Alternative Steps (not recommended):

1: Kiss the back of her neck everyday and hope she caves into her sexual desire in the middle of the crowded lecture hall.

11: Leave her for your youngest son’s 20-something tennis instructor at age 52.

Notes: I don’t hate women. They’re pretty neat. Most of them are smarter than me.

Greatest thing you’ll hear in the next 5 minutes.

Sun, 14 Feb 2010 16:37:00 -0600

Greatest thing you’ll hear in the next 5 minutes.

Future home.

Sat, 13 Feb 2010 12:34:24 -0600

Future home.

Sat, 13 Feb 2010 12:10:17 -0600

It's Porn.

Wed, 10 Feb 2010 22:40:00 -0600

I just finished watching the first two seasons of True Blood: HBO’s critically acclaimed vampire series for women who love naked men, men who love naked women, and children with terrible parents. It pains me to admit it, but I liked it. Obvious blows to my masculinity aside, that bothers me because I’m having such a hard time figuring out WHY I liked it. For the most part, I enjoy books, TV shows, and movies because A. I find a way to relate to it at the time, or B. There’s a protagonist I genuinely like living vicariously through. Not necessarily a character with a particularly thrilling life, but somebody I can, in some stretch of imagination, see a small part of myself in.

I sure as hell can’t relate to an omni-sexual mythical creature orgy, and I couldn’t care less if Bill ate Sookie in the second episode. She’s Bella Swan with a bottle of Prozac. So, let’s look at a few potential reasons I enjoyed myself. *SPOILERS*

Reason 1: The opening sequence. Masterful. Downside - gets stuck in your head. ”I wanna do bad things to you” isn’t the best thing to whisper to yourself in public.

Reason 2: Lafayette, the token gay guy, is hilarious. In a rural Southern town, an ass-kicking, make-up wearing, black man just works.

Reason 3: The plot is so bat-shit insane that it’s impossible to predict. “Ooooh, Sam IS a dog sometimes….because he’s a ‘shape shifter’. Would ya look at that”

Reason 4: Sam only hires attractive women/Jason gets these women naked/Sookie shops at the baby Gap. There are a lot of women that overcome their Southern accent handicap.

Reason 5: Gore factor. The show never ceases to surprise me with what they’ll show. I’ve now seen multiple dirt covered orgies, countless instances of bloody vampire sex, and a hunch-backed old woman dig her finger into an inch deep open wound. Nothing in life will ever faze me.

LEVI MILLS

Photo

Reddit

Elroy Hirsch Ran Funny

Increditastical

Video

Vacation Home

Critical Analysis

Letters of Note

Photo

Pretend I'm Don Draper

The One Where I Complain

The first early release of an American Ghetto song. The 30...

Week in Tweets (1)

Audio

1938 Dating Guide For Single Women

Game Plan

Greatest thing you’ll hear in the next 5 minutes.

Future home.

It's Porn.